Thursday, October 18, 2007

'Loser Cruiser'

Today's 'journey' to work was quite opposite to yesterday's commute.

Today I took the bus. A couple of reasons. One, it was going to rain and I don't have rain gear that will keep me dry and warm at this time of season. Two, had a staff meeting at different school right after work. Three, my piece of shit car is on day two at the mechanics (which is completely another aggravating and stressful story).

Day started out in a mad rush to begin with . . . . we slept through the alarm clock. Normally we're up around 6am and out the door to work by 7:25am. Today I woke up to "Shit!" coming out of my wife's mouth (someone who hardly ever swears!) - so I knew something was wrong.

"Fuck" comes out of my mouth (I, on the other hand, swear like a drunk'n sailor) as I bleary-eyed look at my watch, which read 7:05am. To keep this shorter than the actual version of the recount, I got my ass out the door and walking towards the bus stop on Carling 35 minutes later.

About 100 metres to the stop and by bus flies by. "Fuck". End up standing around the bus stop for another 15 minutes listening to music on my ipod trying to remain calm. Inside I'm about to explode. I hate the bus. I loath the bus. I despise the bus.

Don't get me wrong . . . . I would rather see people taking the bus and not their cars, saving the environment, keeping the roads less busy. Ottawa has got a great transit system. I just don't want to be one of the ones riding the bus - it ain't for me. I hate crowds, I don't like people touching me, I don't like people, I like quiet in the morning, I don't like feeling like a cow being corralled aboard a huge piece of metal taking me off to be slaughtered. Leave me the flip alone in the morning.

The bus is also a huge behemoth piece of machinery and metal that travels at high speeds and generally shows a lack of respect and road width for me as a cyclist. Riding it I feel like I am sleeping with the devil to some degree.

My horrible experience this morning only deepened my hatred of my fellow man. It may sound like I am looking down on most of the riders of the bus, and that's only because I am. I hate you all and I am better than you. You suck. I never want to see any of you again!

My final fairwell to the bus and bus riders:

Daily bus riders . . . . I am happy for you that you have found a place where you feel comfortable enough to sit spread eagle as I sit beside you with my legs so tightly pressed together that I almost squeeze my man juices out of my nuts so that you have enough room to lounge comfortably.

Daily bus rider . . . . thank you for not bathing this morning, or yesterday or the day before. I'm not sure why you think it's totally acceptable to live and work in a society smelling like you keep a smelly bag of shit in your pants cause it feels nice next to your grubby, greasy soiled body.

Daily bus rider . . . . how did you know that I wanted to listen to you trivial dribble drabble cell phone conversation with whoever the fugg you found it so necessary to engage in boistorous , joviale giddiness so early in the morning. I'm glad that you thought the entire bus wanted to hear your entire empty conversation.

Daily bus rider . . . . please turn up the music that you're listening to - rap-a-lap-a, hip hop, bling-a-ding dance shit is just what I wanted to listen to first thing (or ever) in the morning. Despite sitting at the back of the bus with your gangsta friends while I sit near the front, thanks for turning it up just for me. You da bomb.

Daily bus rider . . . . saying your sorry for stepping on my feet must be a social faux pas. Why would you take responsibility for your actions. I'm sorry for placing my feet under your shoes.

Daily bus rider . . . . that's awesome that you smoke. You look wicked cool. James Dean would be envious of your coolness. I also appreciate breathing in the second hand smoke that was previously inside of your blackened lungs. Can't wait to catch up with you on the oncology floor. Good times, great taste.

Dear bus driver . . . . thanks for letting me know that my commute via shit tube would take only one and a half hours and make me 45 minutes late for work. I enjoyed every minute of your diesel motioned torture amongst society's dregs and misfits.

This shitty, shitty commute only made me feel a deeper sense of gratitude for being able to commute by bike to work. I only feel pity for all those on the bus who never have and probably never will experience riding a bike to work.


Anonymous said...

I sense that you did not enjoy the bus.

Now, as far as commuter cycling goes, I think I've pretty well got it figured out. Haven't missed a day since February and don't plan to miss another this year. Only "real snow" days can stop me, and we only have about ten of those per year. I arrive at work every day in a good mood, ready to go. I get home every day in a good mood with work banished from my head. Riding to/from work is a godsend. It has turned me from being an asshole into someone who is merely mildly irritating.

I just picked up my new "dual fixie" from the Moose today and will do my first commute on it tomorrow. Report will follow.


Matt Spak said...

HMMMMM bet you won't sleep in again!!!!

Anonymous said...

"... warm at this time of the season..."

It was only 11 deg yesterday morning you suck.

Having said that, I used my seat warmer on the way in to work yesterday. My nuts and it's man juice contents were quite content as a result.


Papa G said...

Someone else who hates the freaking bus as much as me... I certainly get where you are coming from. I could go on a rant about the #2 bus but fortunately I seldom have to take it anymore.
I put together a SS using an old Cannondale frame and rode to work all winter. No more bus for me! I love my rides to/from work. They are the best parts of my day!