Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Hefty weight

Shitty photo. It reads 202 lbs. Fuck me.

Mid August, when I started training I weighed myself , and came in at 196 lbs. Not an ideal riding weight, but whatever. Yes, I know . . . I weigh more than two soaking wet roadies. Meh.

If my math is correct: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 . . . that's six pounds I've gained. Crap.

However, I've taken 1.5 cm off my belly. Therefore, I am concluding that it's muscle mass gained. Which would figure, since I've been hitting the gym four days a week since mid-August.

My man boobs are tonning up (which may excite some of you), abs are beginning to show, shoulders are rounding, and I'm busting all the sleeves in my shirts. I haven't forgotten my legs, which are gradually forming into tree trunks.

I'm not smart, I'm not fast, I don't excell at anything, but I can lift heavy things.

Six years of university down the drain . . . I could have been moving furniture.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Falling leaves and douche bags

While home on the weekend I managed to find some time to get out for a ride. Beauty day, clear sky, leaves starting to turn, some starting to fall. Traffic was fairly light considering it's "leafer season"- I was able to get out early and home before the rush started.

Two douche bag roadies passed by me as I stopped to take a photo (the one below). I nodded, smiled and said hello . . . to what reply? Nadda. Nothing. Zip. Fuck, you think that it cost money to be polite/sociable. To top it off, they were all dressed to the nines in their Euro kit, sans helmets - sporting the Fall/Winter look. WTF? Apparently people don't bang their heads or crash in Autumn.
*note to you: not all roadies in Ottawa are douche bags, but unfortunately are large percent are.

A familiar entrance to a very nice piece of single track. Very tempting, very tempting indeed. Alas, I am on a strictly road/cx diet only - can't afford to get hurt right now.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Fairtrade Christmas Presents - Bicycles For Humanity

This weekend!

Shop for holiday gifts & support B4H

Sat & Sun Sept 26/27: 9am-4pm

Lansdowne Park Fall Flea MarketBooth #77, Coliseum Bldg, 1015 Bank St, Ottawa

Check out the stunning collection of necklaces, bracelets, earrings, Christmas ornaments, dolls and home decor all hand-made in Africa!

FAIR-TRADE - All products are sourced directly from the artisans (Namibia, Uganda, South Africa, Zimbabwe) - helping them earn a living to support their families.

In addition, the net proceeds of the sale go towards the transportation costs of the bikes B4H sends every year.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009


Crossfit, not . . .

. . . . this, or . . . . .

. . . . this.

Anyone ever do any crossfit work outs. The presribed workouts here are based on Crossfit principles - functional movements that are intense and change up alot. Today we had a 20 station workout where we spent one minute at each station working as hard as we could - max intensity. We completed this circuit twice. A very good workout in only 40 minutes. Uber cross training for cycling.
But then again, so is dressing up in women`s clothing.
I usually spend the winter months xc skiing (classic and skate), spinning in the basement and doing a little core. This year I`ll be keeping up with the spinning, skiing when I can (maybe once or twice a week) and incorporating some sort of crossfit program (whether a crossfit program or some sort of mixed martial arts program). Drop some weight, strengthen the core and become champion of the world. Anything less and I will be thoroughly disappointed . . . .
. . . . then I`ll start dressing in women`s clothing.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Running man

I'd rather have spent my money on bike related products.

Running shoes. I don't recall the last time I actually went out and bought 'running' specific shoes. I hate running. It hurts my legs. It hurts my feet. It hurts my knees. It feels like my teeth are going to fall out. It's slow and boring. I hate it.
Alas, I need to do it as part of training, so I am trying to embrace it and make it not as bad as my head tells me it is. On the weekend I went out and purchased a pair of shoes. *sigh* . . . . money that could have been well spent on my bike.
I partly feel that I am cheating on my bike . . . spending money and time on 'another' activity. I hope my pink diSSent doesn't find out - it'd break it's girly heart.
It's not that bad really. I've been getting out three or four times a week - learning about stride, technique and pacing. Feels strange to be a newbie learning about something new or something that I suck at. Meh. It's a workout.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Catching up

My view for most of my Saturday ride . . . struggling from the back to hang on.
Curvy Butt and Lenny kept me company as I struggled through the loop.

I was blessed this weekend, being home from training and with a glorious Saturday. I managed to squeeze in some time for a ride, so headed to the hills to go for a ride in Gatineau Park. You take your life into you hands while going for a road ride on a weekend in the Fall. Beggers can't be choosers . . . . haven't been on my bike in three weeks, so I put up with the nearly steady traffic to get a loop in. The leafers were out in full force, making their annual trek into the park to gawk at the leaves.
Time on the bike while riding with friends usually allows for ample opportunity to find out how everyone is doing and shoot the shit. With my lungs hanging out of my nose, I found it difficult to talk, so found myself on the listening end of the conversations most of the ride. Despite suffering, it was freak'in awesome to be outside, on the bike and with some good buddies going for a ride.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Paul's Dirty

Paul's Dirty Enduro is this weekend. It's my favourite race of the season. Will be missing it this year unfortunatley, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't go. Super laid back, family oriented, it's all for a great cause, awesome draw prizes . . . . . and the best part are the trails. 100 km of uber fun single track. Whoot!
Have fun kids.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Stepping back

Stepping back from the bike was not in the plans. Life changes, ebbs and flows. Flow with it or get lost fighting against the current. Just another adventure, another dream to follow.

But life away from the bike is . . . well, it's strange. Since 2000 I've been riding my bike(s) as much as I can, wherever and whenever I can. To suddenly stop is difficult to do. I've heard it said, if your life (or a part of your life) feels empty, then fill it with something else. 'They' (who the hell is 'they' anyway?!) say distance makes the heart grow fonder. 'They' say, if life gives you lemons, make lemondae.

Shit. I just want to ride my bike, and ride it during my favourite time of the year - Fall. Crisp, cool days, clear blue skies, single track littered with colourful leaves, riding for fun with friends. It doesn't get any better. I am, and will, think often of past Autumn rides to get me through the next few months being without the bike.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Haiku for You

diSSent & army jeep from back in August a week or so before the Wilderness 101 race

I miss my pink bike
Pansy-ass one might think it

Screw you son-of-bitch

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Raise your voice

Ottawa locals wanting to get their input into the future of riding in Gatineau Park should try and make it to this (below).

Public Workshop

Gatineau Park is an important natural area in Canada’s Capital Region, measuring 361 square kilometres. The park, which features rich cultural and historical attractions, and is a prime location for a range of outdoor recreational activities, receives more than 1.7 million visits every year.

Managing environmentally respectful recreation is a unique challenge and an important responsibility. The National Capital Commission (NCC) is initiating a recreational services plan that will guide current and future recreational activities and programs in Gatineau Park.

Have your say about the trends, preliminary assessment and initial strategic framework, during the first phase of the consultative process.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009
6:30 pm to 9 pm

Relais plein air du parc de la Gatineau
397 Boulevard de la Cité-des-Jeunes
Gatineau, Quebec

As this consultation will take the form of a workshop, registration is encouraged.

Please register by September 10, 2009, by contacting Emily Keogh at 613-239-5315 or

The second and last phase of consultation will take place in spring 2010, and will focus on proposals regarding modifications to infrastructure and activities.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Skid Marks on my Knickers

A look inside also details a freshly laid skid mark. Scratch and sniff? Peter left that out of his post and all for himself to enjoy while sitting in a darkened closet eating cheesies and caramel squares.

My first time on the inter world wide webbed in almost a week. Too many e-mails to sort through, so I deleted them all as I have no time to read them. And a quick read through the 'regulars' of the blogging world and I come across this. Gratitude in this world is certainly lacking.
Peter played along in my empty bag balm tin game, so won a prize.
I kept good on what I said, so sent him a little sum'thang sum'thang:
  • famous knickers and team issued bikini top
  • Stan's booger
  • an official fan issue autographed photo (not in the photo above) and I kissed
  • a tooth brush that I cleaned my bike with
  • Anti Monkey Butt stuff
  • Nipple guards (he as sensitive nipples, as do I)
And just under it was this. Bullshit! Total bullshit. I'm not even in the running for creating the most links to the Empire?!?!?!?!! What the hell is wrong with you all? I'm placing all the blame squarely on your shoulders. If you want a prize-o-prize you'd better get your arses in gear and start clicking away (over there on the right --------->).

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Over & Out

Planning for a career change, lifestyle change, attitude change is a bit of a change. Chhhhaaaaa chaaaaa chhhhhaanges. The past three training weeks here in Ottawa have been physically and mentally challenging - and it's just the tip of the ice burg. My life is guided (and depends upon) policy and regulations from here on out. I thought teaching was a challenge - policing is a whole-nuther level. Stress, challenges, changes, unknowns have taken a toll on me physically, mentally - all of which result affecting my little family.

Add in the stresses and worries of not riding enough, losing bike fitness (certainly not worried about losing physical fitness - apparently I'll be molded at police college into a badass mutha), keeping up with the blogosphere, representing the Empire, finishing up the race season - all important shit . . .

Add on household duties (not dooties), family time and general 'gettin shit done' time . . . f*ck me. It's been taxing.

Nothing is worth tearing myself or my little family apart. After speaking to and getting advice from much wiser folks than me, I've had to make the tough decision to dial things back a bit, stop complicating life and work on getting my shit together.

What does this mean?
  • One, my race season is officially over. I had three or four events planned on, but they are not going to happen unfortunately.
  • Two, blogging for the next three months will be sporadic. I'm hoping for a couple to a few a week. So keep coming back. All posts may not be bike related . . . as I won't be biking that much. College rules/reg's dictate that I can't have a bike at college with me - and besides, from everything I've heard, I won't have time for it. Life for the next three months is already scheduled. I know when I get to take a dump, to when I get to eat and go to bed. (Just let me know if you want my poo poo schedule)
  • Three, most weekends I hope to get home (seven hour drive each way). Priority will be on the family and repairing/filling in the cracks and gaps that I've allowed to form in the past while. Secondary will be throwing a leg over the bike and trying to keep up with riding buddies. Should be vomit-spectacular.
  • One, I've been injured this entire season. I've kept it under wraps and haven't told anyone. A torn hamstring since March has affected my riding. Three months of rehab exercises will hopefully repair it up.
  • Two, I have my 2010 training plan and race schedule (tentative) laid out. The Powertap and I have our first date planned for the second week of December and will be going steady until mid March. I'm already speaking to my sergeant about getting time off for this.
  • Three, I'll becoming a cross training, ninja fighting, bad ass mutha - all skills and strength will hopefully spill over to the bike. New defensive tactics will be put to use against competitors during races to disable and disarm their riding skills.

New defensive tactics?! Let's see Spak try and pass me. Actually, please . . . try and pass me!

A break from the riding scence, as much as I don't want to take it or admit to it, will be good for my overall being.

Please do not forget to put me into the lead. You deserve a Nummers, don't you!?!?

What you have to look forward to: more Nummers smack talk, a Naked Review (yes, it's in the works) in the next couple of weeks, pics of me being peppered sprayed and possibly tased (and subsequently wetting my pants and screaming like a little school girl).

Thursday, September 3, 2009

My Arse

Looks a bit like Spak sans goatee.
Don't monkey usually pick ticks, fleas and fling poo? I've never seen one take such care in their personal hygiene before.
Sorry monkey butt, but it didn't seem to alleviate my swollen baboon like arse.

I was contacted a while back by a rep for Anti Monkey Butt Powder to give it a try, hand out some samples, and suggested a little bit of blog time. With receiving a product (which I get requests from time to time to try out) from a company contacting you, you feel a sense of obligation to say good things about it.

I want to be honest with my experiences with a product and the temptation to blow smoke up the readers arse about whatever you're testing is there . . . . solely because you feel a sense of obligation because you've been given free shit. I usually do have good things to say about a product, but this is the first time something didn't 'work' for me.

I heard of Anti Monkey Butt Powder before and was curious if it worked or not. Here's the low down on it:

AMBP is . . . . "designed to treat friction and irritation that can result from excess sweat. As you yourself and I am sure many of your readers may have experienced, excessive sweat from riding on the rough terrain all day can cause irritation, also known as "monkey butt". Unlike other powders, AMBP has calamine and talc which gives it a cooling sensation instead of the burning that you might get from other products."

I used the powder on a number of rides - on a rainy day, a humid day, a few dry warm summer days, and a cool evening ride. I basically got the same result. I did have a dry feeling from it - it seemed to absorb some sweat (to a limit), BUT, it didn't help to reduce chaffing or irritation that you get from your chamois moving around on your undercarriage. From what I could gather, all it really is is baby or talcum powder.

Ever see what happens to baby or talcum powder when it gets wet, like really arse sweating wet? It clumps up and stops doing it's job. You really need to use a chamois cream that doesn't allow moisture to penetrate it and aids in lubrication that prevents chaffing and rubbing and hence, irritation. So in my riding shorts, I didn't find it better than products I have used in the past, or present, in helping reduce irritation.

I DID, however, find it very useful in preventing hot-spots in my socks/shoes. I usually get hot-spots on my feet during long rides or short intense ones. It may only be talcum powder, but it seemed to eliminate or at least reduce the hot-spots on my feet. I also used it on a few rides at the trailhead immediately after riding to freshen up a bit. It has a pleasant odor to it and does make you feel fresh after using it.

Don't take my word for it. Everyone's arse is different and it may work for you - try it out for yourself.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009


On Stress . . . .
Things are getting busy. Things are getting frustrating. Things are happening out of my control that are/will be affecting how/if/when I can ride. If you've been paying attention you might remember that I've chucked my old career into the dumpster and have taken on an exciting new one.

I didn't go into this decision lightly as it's been years in the making and I am happy with my decision. However, I didn't anticipate all the changes, requirements, challenges that go with it. I just erased a few sentences that I wrote because it's long and boring and would come across like I'm whining. Feels like my head is about to explode with all the stuff I'm trying to fit into my head and life right now. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah . . . . . and that's all I have to say about that.

What does my life altering event mean for you? Maybe infrequent blogging, less riding being reported on, an opportunity to watch my lose my bike legs. Meh. In the big scheme of things it will only be until December 3rd - mark it on your calendar. In the next three months I am planning a big comeback . . . . all will be revealed.

On sticking something up something else . . . . .
Just received this from my buddy Charles, who by the way is challenged in the girth department - like me, sent me these photos today (after reading yesterdays awesome post), on how he deals with some of his equipment.

now you see it

now you don't - shazam!
well, actually you do still see it, but you know where it's going . . . .

Anything to free up space in the old jersey pockets for some vittles.

On dirtbags . . . . . .
The photo below best describes:

A) someone who just received a wedgie (and liked it);
B) someone who enjoys wearing a bunched up thong;
C) a freerider getting ready to go on an XC ride with his spandex wearing buddies;
D) a homeless person looking for a handout near a trailhead;
E) all of the above.
On creaky parts . . . . .
If you're experiencing some part of your bike that's making a creaking noise (my all time favourite!), start at the center of your drive train (ie. bottom bracket) and work outwards to locate the source. A recent creaking noise that I found led me to my saddle rails. So, instead of fugging around with it, I took it all apart, cleaned it, greased it up and put it all back together. Success.

Have you clicked this today?

Tuesday, September 1, 2009


LinkThe Vegan Vagabond dropped off an Awesome Strap yesterday - courtesy of the Empire via Hot August Nights.

This past season and a half or so I've been riding most of the time without any kind of hydration pack - going for that skinny, racer-boy look I needed to find whatever means necessary to achieve that look. The hydration pack was first to go. So I ended up stuffing my jersey pockets full, which really defeated the purpose of losing the pack. Albeit, most could figure out by looking at my backside that it was in-fact a tube, food, air, food, spare bottle, food and tools in my jersey pockets and not new back fat.

I started experimenting finding ways of strapping a tube, lever and air to the bike and out of my pockets. Straps, tape, Velcro, seat bags, etc. were all tried and all failed.

I first heard/saw the Awesome Strap a while back and was intrigued. Great idea, but why spend the money on something so simple to make yourself. Seemed to me all it was was a Velcro strap with some rubber on the inside to keep it from sliding down the seatpost. Simple.

So I constructed my own out of a big fat Velcro strap, some Crazy Glue and on old tube. Success.
However, it didn't quite work as well as I would have liked.

Not so awesome on the left. Definitely AWESOME on the right.

My design on the right, despite being very wide - didn't quite hold as well as I hoped. It would gradually swing around and move. I haven't field tested the Awesome Strap yet, but apparently it's bomb proof. A single track night ride tonight should be a good test.

I wonder if it is as awesome as this?!?!


Not so awesome*


Not so awesome*

*yes, this was an exaggeration.