Monday, April 12, 2010

RWR Clarence-Rockland Classic Race Report

I'll give you the best part today and you can read the rest of the race report tomorrow if you like.

"Fuggg. I'm standing in horseshit!!!" I said to myself as I changed my flat tire. My first flat tire (my only flat tire with Grand Bois tires in over a year and a half). Yes, I didn't flat once, not twice, but thrice!

Got the rear changed as fast as I could and got back on the bike, maybe losing 4-5 minutes. Get passed by two small packs. Get my head back into the game, throw the leg over the bike. Why the hell is the front end so squishy? "Fugg me!"
Zoom, a big group goes by. "Fugg!"

I'm still standing in shit, there was a lot of it alongside of the road, and I didn't even care. It was green with lots of hay stuck in it. Hey, shit. Hay, shit.

Used my only tube on my first flat, search the seatbag for a patch. Wicked - got one. Now where is the fugging hole? Can't find it. "Fugg!" There's water, putrid green, slimy water in the ditch. I can use that to find the hole. Don't fall going down to it. "Fugg!" I fell. Get the tube in the water, can't find the hole. Finally find the whole. "Fugg." Zoom. Zoom. A couple riders pass. "Fugg!"

Get the patch out, can't get the backing off with my gloves on. Get shit all over the sticky part. "Fugg!" Take me gloves off. Shit. Better dry the tube a bit better. That 'should' hold.
Half a cannister of air left. "Fugg." Only filled it half way. Have to use my piece-of-shit-ass-fugging-crippity-crap-fugging-piece-of-shit Crank Brothers micro pump. Piece of shit. "Why is this fugging taking so long??!! Fugg!"
Get the tire filled up to an 'acceptable' level. Get on the bike. Okay, all sorted, let's get this fugging show on the road. Pedal, pedal, pedal . . . . what the fuggg?!?!?
Front end goes soft.

Muther fugging fugger fuck fuck.
Yank the wheel off. Get the tube out and the gwad-damn fugging shitty little fugging patch fell off. Gwad damn slimy water. Dig around the seatbag for another patch. One left. Fugg this better work. No air, just that gwad damn shitty pump. 13465 strokes later and it's at an acceptable level.
A big white van with race officials go by and ask it I am okay. "Yeah, thanks."
"Keep going!" - pitty cheer from someone in the van. No other riders in site. I can see for miles on the country stretch. "Fugg."

Get it on, get going. It's holding. What's that "whump, whump, whump" coming from the back end? Get off and look. "Fugg me!" I must have twisted the tube while hurrying to put it in and now I've got what resembled a python who just swallowed a wild bore . . . big ass lump sticking my sidewall out. Fugg it, I just want to finish this thing.

Torn Grand Bois tire. Ka-ploo-ee.

Cross the line 1 hr and 2 minutes behind the leader. I figure at least 30 minutes behind where I should be. Fugg.
Big pitty cheer as I crossed the line. I pump my fist to the sky in glorious triumph. Another couple half assed pitty claps. Yaaay . . . .
Yeah, I'm a winner.
108th place out of 118 finishers. Sad, sad, sad . . .
By my calculations I would have come in at a stellar 78-80th place.
Still, I felt good, I had no cramping, and dwag-gone it I had fun.


Dan Frayer said...

who cares about place and horse poop. You rode your bike. Fug it.

love dan

Matt Surch said...

Poor Grand Bois....shredded. Sounds like the route was a tire killer. Glad to hear you didn't have biological issues though; that's progress.

CB2 said...

good for you not getting in the van!

The Vegan Vagabond said...

just awesome, Big Ring.

Pascii said...

We love you Big Ring!
Sorry you stood in shit.

grove69 said...

That was a very funny story. Love to poo!

Disco Stu said...

haha! love that story!
you left out the part about losing Jesus, though. Maybe in tomorrow's post?

the original big ring said...

Yaaaaaay. I'm a winner.

Matt, if you're meaning I didn't have my period, you're right. Yay!

Poop is funny.

Matt Surch said...

Are you insinuating that I was insinuating that you are a woman? Nah, if I was insinuating that, I'd know you would not have your period, as super fit endurance ladies don't tend to. I was thinking more along the lines of elbow cramps from all the pumping.

Golonghardman said...

Why the fuck didn't you tell me you were going to be here in Rockland? You coulda brought me my used Halo skull cap too!

rick is! said...

loves me a fuggy fug rant.

wv: phati