Monday, August 31, 2009

Got soaked

What a surprise, another wet cool day in Ottawa. Summer has yet to arrive. Got soaked to the bone in a downpour this afternoon whilst in the park. Trails too wet and muddy to ride, so stuck to the road. Crippity crap weather.

Tin winners announced yesterday. Prizes being sent out.

Did you remember to clicky clicky your way to get a chance in the big prize?

Friday, August 28, 2009

Tin Winners


What can I say, I aims to please!

To all those (Peter, Anon., Matt, Thomas, Stu and Rick) who entered e-mail me your address and I'll send you something . . . .

Quintuple Pave Classic

What? QuinTuple Pave Classic (Tall Tree Team Time Trial)
Yes, its dubbed a team TT, but the spirit is really team randonnee. Readers familiar with this genre will likely suspect I have invented this term; they would be correct, I have. I like the short version, 'team rando;' I think it is a format that holds a lot of promise. We'll see. We've found that doing group rides on difficult terrain is challenging, because there tends to be a broad range of abilities in the mix. That's cool we want to pull all sorts of riders into the fold to enjoy the routes. However, inevitably, some find themselves waiting too much, others chasing too much. The team rando format allows riders to ride in groups of similar abiilties, working together at whatever pace is desired. Two teams can work together, more even. Or teams can try to drop each other. Whatever, the idea is to have a good time.
  • 5 riders per team, all riders must finish in order for time to count. Last rider's time is the team's time.
  • Tandems count as two riders.
  • Teams that can't manage 5 can ride with 4 as a last resort, but we encourage you to get up to 5.
  • We will match up riders to complete/form teams.
Distance: 145k (including 10k neutral rolling start from Lac Leamy).

When I first heard talk of this ride I was very excited about it and was really looking forward to getting out and suffering with four other guys/gals. Unfortunately, I've got the Marathon Challenge Series Championship which I will be attending that same weekend. A possible series championship is in reach for me and on the line. I've worked hard at earning the points to take the overall single speed points lead and championship.

Now, when I say "worked hard" . . . . let me qualify that:
  • I drove to the races
  • I got out of my car
  • I got on my bike
  • I rode the race (key word is 'rode', not raced)
  • I finished the races
To be honest and fair, there was no significant amount of competition at the races in the single speed division. First race, I think there were two of us - and the other guy didn't finish due to a mechanical - by default I finished first. Second race, I believe there were three or four of us - Peter and I came in tied for first - (I'm not even sure Dan gave us points because there was no podium finish for us). Third race, there were about five or six of us - I officially came in third, but they didn't record me crossing the line, so listed me as fourth (later it was corrected and I believe I got the points). The last race I couldn't attend but didn't sound like many finished - not sure how points were awarded. So based on attendance alone, it looks like I stand a good shot at taking the championship. I think the prize is a big ass cookie. Well worth making the five hour drive for.

PRIZE UPDATE: will announce empty tin suggestion winner this evening.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Nummers for YOU!

There's apparently a contest on the go, if you haven't been paying attention I've been taking part in, that I'm not even in the running for. Spak, if you can believe it, with his contorted spelling, grammar, punctuation, sentence structure and general inability to write (what can I say - he has a grade three education and repairs hairdryers and curling irons for a living) is getting more hits than I am. I blame my week and a half negative head start (which one might call an ass end start?).

In case you don't know about the contest . . . basically Peter (owner, creator, box packer, monkey handler, etc.) is trying to increase traffic on his site and is too cheap to pay for advertising. So what better way than hold a contest where he gives free schwag away to bloggers whose blog/site generates the most link hits to his Misfit Psycle Store.

Top prize being a Nummers frame. Second, third and the trickling other places receive prizes in decreasing value for creating traffic on his site.

This could be yours! I don't want it. I don't have the time or money to put into it and I'd most likely end up hurting myself trying a 360 tailwhip.

So for all my hard work at creating a link on my side bar, I get rewarded. BUT WHAT'S IN IT FOR YOU?!?!?!?

Nothing. You're a sucker and a chump and are being left out. You're being taken advantage of by others for their own good. That's not fair. It simply is not fair. Poor you.

Here's where I come in. I don't really want another frame, ball cap, circular death coasters or anything else that is being offered. All I really care about is winning. I suck at riding a bike, so here's my chance to beat riders of a higher caliber without even lifting a leg.

IF I WIN . . . . and here's where you come in . . . . . I WILL GIVE AWAY to one of my lucky readers whatever prize I win. The more times you click on the links I put up on the blog to Misfits, the greater my hit rate goes up, thus moving me further into the lead.

So if you're bored sitting in front of your computer, click away over and over and over and over and over again. The more hit links from my site to Peters, the better the prize will be that I win which I will in turn give away to one lucky reader. No games, no cons, no fast ones.

Do you want to see some big name superstar win who is already endorsed to the ying yang, eats steak & lobster dinners every night, goes home to Starla and rolling in the dough OR do you, Joe Public, want an equal chance at getting some loot?!??!

Lucky dog

Use my site to link to the Misfit Store as much as possible so that I can help you win. It's not about me, it's about YOU!

Help yourself and begin clicking now!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Name Change

I got back Sunday from my ride in the park and noticed this while I was cleaning the bike.

I think my bike is trying to tell me something . . . . shed some weight.

If that "M" peels off, does that mean I am riding for a different company?
And if so, does the name imply different criteria?

Am I fit?
Better yet, do I need to be?

Just doesn't carry the same pizazz.

*Late Edit:
I was standing in my living room looking out the window waiting for Lenny to pick me up for a group night ride this evening (Tuesday night) and was thinking about how my bike is now ruined because of the sticker peeling off. It didn't make sense to me why it was coming off. Was Peter so cheap as to use faulty sticker material for his bikes? Nah - he wouldn't dare. Would he? Nooooo.

It wasn't until I was placing my bike on top of Lenny's car this evening that I realized it wasn't in fact a faulty sticker, but in fact Lenny's shit roof carrier.

It's this bogus piece of craaaaaaap that has ruined my bike. Ruined it.

This is the result of my pink beauty being clamped into Lenny's jaws-of-death-and-carnage piece of shit roof rack system.

Peter, please send replacement stickers for my bike and please bill Lenny an exorbitant amount for it. Please send soon. I have a difficult time leaving the house with dirt on my bike let alone such a cosmetic flaw to be present. Vanity and appearance of my bikes are everything, they make up for my inability to be fast and/or cool.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Sunday ride


Poo poo

Dis way and dat way

Instant karma is going to get you (and Jebus)


*And the best for last*

* suggestions for use of my Bag Balm tin are getting a little better . . . keep 'em coming - winner announced at the end of the week.*

Monday, August 24, 2009

Monkey Butt Losers

For those of you wondering what the prize would be for suggesting the best use of my empty Bag Balm tin . . . a sample of Anti Monkey Butt Powder (and a few other pretty coolio knick knack paddy whack things).

Seems that someone from Anti Monkey Butt, after visiting the blog, thought that my arse needed some help (*review to follow in the next week or so). Perhaps they read copious blog posts of me bitching and moaning about how fat/slow I am and figured that I sat on my ass too much. Or maybe they saw something red and inflamed on my buttocks in one of my naked reviews. Either way, they sent me a little care package to try out and samples to give out.

In the lead for suggestions (and there are only two . . . . pretty lame . . . . I knew traffic was slow last week, but that's just brutal - see comments section from here) :
  • KY Jelly - really now . . . . why the fugg would I want to squeeze out all the jelly from it's handy tube into an old Bag Balm tin. And how does one go about getting a KY Jelly sponsorship? Sickening. FAIL.
  • Trail Mix - stupid. I'm thinking that I don't want to keep anything in that tin that's edible. After all, there was some double dipping going on in it over the years. A few times I even found pieces of bark in it. FAIL.

Your suggestions are not worth the postage that I'd put on an envelope and I feel embarrassed for you both. Losers.

To all others, keep trying - prizes to be won.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Empty Tin

Vermonts own - Bag Balm

I bought this here can of Bag Balm about four years back. It's served me well.

If it's good enough for Shania, it's good enough for me.
Are you shitting me Shania - you rub it on your face AND hair? WTF? I mean, it's for cows utters . . . . come the f*ck on . . . . I thought I was pushing the envelope rubbing it on my nether regions.
* if you think that I'm making that up, click on old Shania up there and check it out for yourself. She's a freak.

But unfortunately . . . it's out. I actually ran out at the beginning of the season, but just got around to cleaning the tin.

I've cleaned out the tin and got it all shinny and new. I don't want to throw it out - it's a good memory for my ass. What shall I keep in here?

Best answer will receive a prize. Really. An honest to goodness prize.
I recently received a product that a company wants me to test out and they passed along samples, so that's the prize and maybe a few other knick knacks. I ain't going to tell you what the product is yet though . . . that's coming next week.

E-mail (under my profile dealie) - - - - ->

dz nuts - protect your junk

I have been using dznuts this past season and really like it. The Bag Balm was good, but left an oily, greasy, Vaseline feeling to the underside. dznuts is much nicer, works really well and smells good. After I'm done smearing it all over my chamois, I pat the rest on my face, neck and chest - drives the women mad - like Shania.

**You may be wondering why I am not doing a Naked Gear Review for dznuts . . . . I've decided that I'm only dropping my drawers for companies who are willing to pony up. No free rides here. And really, do you want to see me actually use dznuts for what it was intended for?

I thought not.

Potential companies wanting to me to shake what my momma gave me to lure peering eyes on your products, you can e-mail me to set something up.
E-mail address under my 'Complete Profile' - - - - ->

And since I only have one glorious sponsor . . . . . a review is in the works - stay tunned**

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The Fuzz, Johnny Law, Po po, Coppers

About a year a go I decided it was about time I left teaching. It was a great career, lots of good experiences and let me do lots in life, but I felt it was time to move on to something else. I decided to attempt to do something that I've always wanted to do - be a policeman. A year later, after a ton of testing, applications, interviews, more testing, more interviews, background check, etc. I was offered a position. I found out about back in July and started this week.

CHIPS - mmmmmmm, I love chips. Me and Jon . . . . pffft, Ponch my arse.

Perhaps I could slide across the hood of a police car like Bill Shatner. My wife may be jealous of Heather Locklear though.

If I'm lucky, after they make a TV show about me they'll make an action figure of me too.

Some big changes have begun this week for me and some bigger ones around the corner. I'm sure I'll toddle on about them in the next coming week or so. But until then . . . .

. . . . please gracious reader, click on the link below to visit my number one bicycle sponsor man and purchase goods in great quantities from his place of business transaction. Sank you.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Greasier than Ponch

Picture is two fold, but perhaps maybe three . . . I'm only going to make reference to two, so pound rocks until I'm ready to tell you the third fold. More folds than a Chinatown phone directory - folds being Chins.

First Fold:
Erik Estrada . . . . greasy. That would describe the ride tonight. It was hot, humid, wet and slicker than chickens snot. To boot it was a night ride, my first this year and back on the rigid fork. Buckin bronchin fun. Some (most . . . all) the climbs hurt, but got better and the legs felt a little better. Got some high end (read: throwing up afterward) intervals planned for later in the week. Yay - throw up!

Second Fold:
Erik Estrada . . . . he's got a killer bod. Rwoooooooaar! So, for the next few weeks or months I'm going to work hard to get my near clydesdale category weight and flabbiness molded something in the resemblance of Ponch.

Something else . . .

Be somebody fool and click the link below.

Seriously, click it.

Monday, August 17, 2009

I'm back - bigger, stronger, faster

"Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world's first bionic man. Steve Austin will be that man. Better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster."

Not bloody likely. Two weeks off the bike and vacationing in Atlantic Canada with the highest obesity rate in all of Canada . . . ha, ha! I laugh at all you skinny, healthy, vegetable eating, correct body mass-fat index types. Haa haa haa haa haa . . . . . .

Yes, I had a relaxing holiday - maybe too relaxing. Not once did I pedal a bike - not by choice (cause I was really itching to be riding the Cabot Trail). The only reason exercise that I did was swim in the ocean and was even mistaken for a whale by beach-goers. Maybe too many lobster and too many of these babies:

Don't listen to them
- despite what health experts say, 1 lb of donair (a supreme donair from King of Donair in Halifax, NS) meat isn't that bad for you

I really did let myself go and it's no exaggeration to say that I put on about 4 lbs in just under two weeks. If I could ride a bike as fast as I put weight on, I might have been a contender. It's a little . . . . it's a whole lot sickening really . . . . my man boobs are bigger, my gut is plumper, and I'm carrying water like pregnant lady. What's worse is I got out for a ride yesterday morning (my first ride since the 101 - two weeks ago!) and was passed by everybody - and I mean EVERYBODY. Very humbling and it hurt (physically and mentally). I'm not worried about my base, but how long is it going to take to get back any kind of resemblance of my top end fitness? Guess that depends on how hard I go out and find it . . . and it won't be found in the bottom of a bag of salt & vinegar kettle chips - cause that's where I was looking all holiday.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Almost home

I ate the winner. . . .
. . . . and the loser.
Each were actually winners cause they ended up in my belly. Maybe that makes each them losers . . . . but to me they were both winners.

Gwad . . . . where to begin . . . . two weeks away from the bike, the computer, committments, responsibilities, regular healthy eating habits, etc. It's like coming out of a drunken binge to be met by remorse and guilt.
Was it worth it?
More to come.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Cape Breton R & R

**Insert photo of Cape Breton Island, the Cabot Trail, some fishermen, and a lobster . . . . can't upload any photos on this computer.

Blog posts will be sporadic, at best for the next week or so, as I am on family vacation in Cape Breton . . . and sadly, without any kind of high speed or relatively recent era computer capable of handling high speed if it did in fact exist way out in the countryside. Even more sadder'er is the fact that I have no bike with me. Last minute travel plans had us fly out, thus keeping packing light. Most of our luggage was baby related - stroller, car seat, etc. Too bad too cause there is some awesome road riding to be had in this neck of the woods with the Cabot Trail on my door step.

This will be the longest break off the bike since November. Mixed feelings about the whole thing . . . the body could use a little break, but mentally being off the bike for this amount of time will be mentally a long walk off a short pier. There's also the whole guilt feelings of not exercising (frequent trips to the pantry don't count as exercise do they?). Then there's the even more crippling fear of losing fitness and getting slower . . . . yes, I could get even slower.

**While trying to get this typed out, I've been back and fourth on another tab catching up on the blog-o-sphere and just found out that Fatty's loved wife, Susan, who had been battling cancer passed away yesterday. This is truly very saddening - please say a prayer for Susan, Elden and their family.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Wilderness 101 Race Report

Somebody shoot me now. Gwad it was a long drive down in the rain. Pennsylvania was the worst'est with it's many road work sections (where there wasn't even anyone working!).

Prepare to stop?!? I've been fugggin stopped for like 15 minutes now!

Just off the highway and headed towards Coburn I had to pass through much Amish land - check out the buggy ahead of me.

Thars pain in dem dere hills . . . . check out the horse shit in the middle of the road from the Amish buggyies. Yeah, I'm easily amused - Look! Horse shit! It's funny because it's horse shit.

Tents in a field at the community park in Coburn. My last photo before the camera shit the bed. It wasn't really raining at this point, it was the spray on the lens from all the humidity in the air when I stuck the camera out the window to take a picture of horse shit on the road.

* Fuggg . . . there's just too much to say in one post to keep anyone's attention long enough to read it all . . . . I'll do it in two parts - promise only two parts and won't make it a week and a half extravaganza.

A supposedly 7.5 hour drive turned into a 9.5 drive thanks to some road work in Pennsylvania - seems folks don't know how to merge and drive in one lane going any faster than 20km/hr . . . . just brutal. It rained the whole way there, clearing up just a few minutes before getting into the tiny town (more like a village - not even a convenience store or gas station). From the reports I read, it sounded like this part of Penn. was getting as much rain as we have been getting up in Ottawa - which I believe based on the slickness of the single track trails we rode.

Got set up and had a quick bite to eat before I hooked up with Montana and went for a real quick easy ride to loosen the legs up from the long car ride. Got a little taste of what the first climb of the day would be like within a kilometer and a half of pulling out of the community park that the majority of the 300+ racers were camped out in. Returned from the light spin, did a little work on the brakes to dial them in perfectly, got cleaned up, ate some pasta and chicken, chatted about and went to bed.

Surprisingly, I was not very nervous and managed to get to sleep quite easily. I woke up a few times during the night, which I hoped for and used the time to eat. I knew from the past that eating an hour or so before a ride does my stomach no good at all. So at 3am I was eating a bagel and peanut butter, 4:30am a banana and at 5:30am (when they got on the bull horn and did a racer wake up call) the last little bit of some trail mix. I also got up two more times other than when I ate to go take a leak - I had been very conscious of drinking lots all week. Nutrition and hydration were going to be key in finishing this race/ride.

6:45am and a racers briefing and before you know it 7am and we were rolling down the mainstreet in Coburn, PA with a leadout moto, 300 + riders buzzing along in the fog and humidity. Brought back memories of each day's start out last summer during the BC Bike Race. The neutral start was only about a mile in length before we made a hard left across a short bridge and started the first long climb of the day. What a way to wake the legs up, a 5-6 km climb (all the big ass climbs were in that ball park - they were sooooo long with so many false flat sections - you'd think you were done and you'd have another 10-15 minutes of climbing to do). I immediately felt relaxed once I hit the climb and my legs felt very fresh. Good news, cause it usually takes me 40-50 minutes to start feeling good. I knew it was going to be a long day, so I settled into an easy pace. I passed a lot of riders and got passed. I had it in my head days before that this was going to be a big ass ride, so I felt very relaxed about my pacing.

The first 30-40 kms were pretty uneventful - it was mostly all fire road climbs or descents attached together with flat sections. There were one or two, if I remember correctly, fast, fairly smooth ribbon like single track descents that were kind of fun. I remember a long flat section that led to the first aid station where I topped up my bottles quickly and rolled on. The climbs were long, but I didn't suffer incredibly - just paced myself up them. There were a few rocky single track descents before aid station two - I rode these much more cautiously than I normally would have, thus scrubbing off a little time. The rocks were much more plentiful than I anticipated and covered in slick as snot wetness from all the rain and humidity. I was slightly fearful of slicing a sidewall - I was only carrying one tube for two tubeless tires (yeah, I'm smart like that).

Got to aid station two met by eager volunteers with my drop bags in their hands, taking my bottles and filling them for me. This race is incredibly well organized from start to finish. The volunteers at the aid stations were the cat's pajamas. Got moving to be hit squarely in the cubes by another climb - this one knocked the crap out of me. It wasn't especially steep, it just wore me down. I walked for a few minutes at one point just to give my legs and back break from the constant repetitive pedaling motion. I seemed to recover from the climb on it's backside and managed to claw my way up the next climb and down to aid station three at the 60 mile (100 km) mark. Chugged some coke, volunteers filled my bottles, grabbed a banana and off I went. Not ten meters after the aid station and the course shot up to the left, up a rooty, rocky single track climb. I got a ways in and decided I was wasting more energy trying to ride up it than I would hiking it. A few geared riders went by, but I eventually caught them once they decided to opt for hiking it as well. To difficult to keep the back end down and keep up the momentum to be driving forward.

*Meh . . . just read this. . . . far too long and I'm only 100 km in . . . really, are you/do you want to read this?!? I think not. I have a hard time reading race reports . . . if there's lots of pictures I'll pay more attention to it - I read a lot of picture books. So, I'll give you most of the details, point form. If there's something you want to know, e-mail me and I'll get back to you.

This bridge was somewhere in the first 40-50km. I was the only one in a group of half a dozen riding three bridges in a row, I got across two of them when the guy in front of me stops walking and doesn't get out of my way (there was a big crowd there waiting for carnage to happen yelling at him to move). It was slipperier than a chickens snot and followed by a big ass rock garden.

In no real order:
  • everyone should do a 100 mile race at least once,
  • different crowd at these events - more lifestylers - good folk with lots of enthusiasm, different from the crowds you get at local races - many drove a lot longer (17+hrs) to come race,
  • at the end of the race I felt like I could have kept riding; I don't think I pushed hard enough despite cramping - no experience racing this length, next one (yes, there will be more!) will be different,
  • a met a different breed of racers for the most part - die hards, super fit and fast - they made me look like the poster boy for the before and after photos
  • I coulda avoided cramps by taking e-caps sooner (didn't start until I was already cramping - dumb! - but managed to get them under control),
  • I woulda not lost so much time due to the cramps,
  • I shoulda crossed the line sooner, like 30 mins sooner,
  • I heard my first rattle snake and thought, "What are the chances!"
  • I saw my second rattle snake two feet away on the trail all coiled up and looking/sounding pissed - was able to give a warning shout back to the Soiled Chamois, who I had just passed and seemed to be suffering pretty badly with an upset gut,
  • no cramping from the 5th check point on,
  • not once did I think that I couldn't finish the race and not once did I wish for a mechanical to put me out of the race;
  • it's dark in old railway tunnels . . . . very dark,
  • as soon as I got back to my tent I ate two slices of day old soggy pizza and it was the best pizza I ever had,
  • I showered (fully nude) under a playground structure in the middle of the park and did not care (there was a tarp - sheeesh!)
  • fastest time was just under 7 hrs (Jeff Shaulk), and the slowest was 14 hrs, 37 min.
  • I am sold on tubeless tire set up,
  • I ran 32 x 19 and thank Gwad I didn't go with an 18,
  • Every crowd of spectators that I rode past said, "Look a pink bike and I think that's a guy riding it." I smiled and waved,
  • Dill pickles and coke at aid station five tasted good together,
  • the people taking the longest to cross the finish lines got the loudest cheers,
  • Soooo many flat tires on the course,
  • miles are longer than kilometers,
  • I made up a shit load of time blowing down two of the toughest, steepest pitches and I was shit grinning the whole way - off camber uber rocky descent was wicked,
  • glad I left the rigid fork home,
  • nothing makes you feel better than having someone tell you to keep going & good job when you pass them except telling someone else to keep going & good job when they pass you - it's all for shits and giggles.
When I got home I found this in my jersey pocket - picked it up at the last checkpoint and must have forgotten to eat it. Mmmmmmm, was yummy on my cereal this morning.

That's it. No need for a day two report.

If you're looking for some much better race report reading, you may want to check these out:

Shockstar - great to meet Ben and hang out with him and his lovely wife Julie - Ben was motoring off the start of the race.
Knobby Meats - Montana and I did our quick, loosen up ride together Friday evening. Apparently he had a bad crash and got a little lost, but bounced back enough to pass me when I was suffering.
Soiled Chamois - good to put a face to the blog; he was looking super strong passing me on the first climb.
Cycling - race report

Smile says it all.


* corrections:
144/279 overall
133/258 overall men
39/52 overall ss'ers

Monday, August 3, 2009

101 Quickie

sorry for the crappy blurry image - you're going to have to go clicky clicky on the above profile to view my comments along the course profile
Quickie Race Re-cap:
  • 326 starters
  • 43 DNFs
  • 144th overall out of 283 finishers (mid pack - no surprise)
  • * 39th/53 single speeders (lots of freakishly fast riders!)
  • Finishing time: 10hrs 30 mins 4 secs (I'm sure I coulda come under 10 hrs. . . . but didn't - meh)
  • 10 000 + ft of climbing
  • a few couldas, shouldas, wouldas
  • happy overall with my finish - had a lot of fun, met some good people
  • people love pink single speeds
  • no mechanicals, but lost some tools
  • hardest race yet
Race report later tonight/tomorrow.

* as best I could remember - official results not yet posted